


Winners, Losers, and the Illuminati

by captainatx



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-08
Updated: 2013-09-08
Packaged: 2017-12-26 00:44:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/959554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainatx/pseuds/captainatx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex Morgan must be stopped.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Winners, Losers, and the Illuminati

**Author's Note:**

> This story exists in a universe where half of the characters aren't injured, a quarter of the characters aren't in France, and everyone knows what the word "quixotic" means.

At some point between the Thorns' falling to Boston and the moment the National Team stepped foot in camp, Alex Morgan stopped being able to lose. 

That isn't a comment about her competitive-to-a-fault mentality, but rather a curious re-aligning of the planets, or an act of God, that rendered her physically incapable of doing anything but win - whether it was NWSL Championships or simple games of "Hipster or Homeless" around Portland. 

Now, normally, this anomaly of nature would be a welcome addition to a team of professional female athletes hell bent on keeping their streak of success alive. 

But, to Tobin Heath and Kelley O'Hara, it was pretty goddamned annoying. 

\---

A frantic knocking disrupted the peaceful quiet that had settled over Tobin and Lauren's hotel room. The two locked eyes over their respective surfing magazine and toenail polish in a silent battle as to who would go answer the door. Lauren, who'd blinked first, had barely gotten the door open before Kelley came flying in and face planted onto the foot of Tobin's bed. 

"Hey Kel, how're things?" Lauren smirked as she resumed her spot in the chair. 

Kelley's response was a muffled scream into the comforter.

Tobin reached out with her foot, tapping Kelley on the back of the head. "Dude, don't put your mouth on that. What's going on?"

Kelley lifted her head with a groan. "Alex beat me."

"… like, physically?"

"No, idiot, like at cards," Kelley huffed. 

"What's the big deal? She beats Tobin at cards daily," Lauren asked, smiling apologetically at the glare thrown her way from Tobin.

"You don't understand," Kelley started, sitting up. "She beat me at cards. 46 times. In a row."

"You played 46 games of cards in 2 hours?"

"That is not the point," Kelley yelled. "She wasn't even trying! Eighty percent of the time she was either on her phone or debating with Syd about Illuminati symbolism in Beyonce videos, which, what? And I'd be kicking her ass the entire game and suddenly she'd look down and say, 'Oh, look, I have a straight flush! Awesome!' and take all of my hard earned Skittles and -- what the hell are you laughing about? This isn't funny!"

Noticing the look on Kelley's face, the other two girls tried to reign in their giggles.

"What's the big deal? Alex is the most competitive person on the face of the planet, she's bound to win a lot," Lauren reasoned.

"No. This is different. This is some otherworldly shit. She hasn't had to buy a new life in Candy Crush since, like, July," Kelley argued, turning to Tobin. "And didn't you say she beat you at Monop Deal last week without even realizing that one of her cards was on the floor the whole time?"

Tobin nodded. "She also beat me in Scrabble with the word "Quixotic." And she actually knew what it meant."

"See!" Kelley thrust her arm towards Tobin and turned her head to Lauren. "It's like the Universe is conspiring to make her a winner."

"Did you ever think that maybe you two are just huge losers?" Lauren asked, seriously.

Kelley and Tobin ignored her, instead focusing on coming up with reasons why Alex was suddenly so lucky, leaving Lauren to inject her thoughts after each wild assumption.

"Maybe SHE's the one in the Illuminati, and the Beyonce thing was just to cover her tracks."

"That's stupid."

"Maybe she drank an entire bottle of Felix Felicis before the Championship."

"That's fictional."

"Maybe she got abducted by aliens and this Alex is actually an impostor."

"That's… entirely possible, actua-- okay, no. You know what? If you guys are tired of Alex winning so much, why don't you actually try and beat her instead of just whining about it?"

Kelley looked pensive. "I guess if anyone was going to beat her, it would be me."

"Please! Who has the second best Monopoly Deal record of the team? I'm the obvious choice for bringing her down," Tobin scoffed.

"Wanna bet?" Kelley challenged. 

Tobin's smile grew wide. "Absolutely. First person to make Alex Morgan lose is the champion of, uh, making Alex Morgan lose."

"Loser has to be the winner's personal slave for the entirety of the next camp."

"You're on."

Right as the girls reached out to shake hands, Lauren interjected again. "Hold on. As much fun as it would be to watch you two idiots live out your delusions, you realize this is going to end badly for eve -- oh, screw it. You need ground rules."

Lauren stood up, moving over to her bed and looking at Kelley and Tobin seriously.

"One: no illegal activities. We're here to represent our country and win a game, not become cast members of Orange is the New Black."

The girls nodded their agreement, if not a little reluctantly.

"Two: you alternate attempts, and there can be no intentional sabotage of one another. You have to win fair and square."

Tobin nodded, and after taking an elbow to the ribs, Kelley nodded, too.

"And Three: these have to be contests that Alex legitimately has an opportunity to win. No Guess What's In My Mouth, Tobin--" ("That's a real game!") "-- or Guess Which Freckle I'm Thinking Of, Kelley." ("Damnit!")

Solidifying the rules with a firm handshake (they wanted to spit, but Lauren put a quick stop to it) Kelley and Tobin bounded out of the room in search of their great victory. 

"It's on like Donkey Kong, O'Hara."

"Nobody says that anymore, Heath."

Lauren watched them leave, muttering another "idiots" before getting back to her nails.

\----

The games started simple enough. But from Monopoly Deal and Poker to Gatorade-filled Beer Pong and headstand competitions, Alex continued to be victorious. And it wasn't for a lack of trying on the parts of Kelley and Tobin. 

One day after practice, Tobin challenged Alex to a juggling competition. Nothing fancy, just who could get the most touches. Alex knew she was setting herself up for failure - Tobin was a juggling savant - but she was also never one to resist a challenge.

The girls faced each other, balls at their feet, waiting for the signal from Kelley. At the "Go!" each girl flipped the ball into the air and tried not to let it hit the ground. Tobin was solid, as expected. Her laser focus seemed more appropriate for a World Cup Final than a friendly kick-around, but she knew this was one contest she wasn't going to lose.

Alex, surprisingly, was holding her own. She had a few fumbles but managed to recover nicely, and even found time to heckle Tobin and her "intense monkey face."

After an excruciatingly long period of juggling, in which most of the other girls had lost interest and moved on to other things, Tobin noticed that Alex was starting to get impatient and tired. Her touches were becoming a bit more frantic, her face was turning red, and Tobin knew that all she had to do was hold on for a few more seconds and---

"AH-CHOO!"

Suddenly, Tobin found herself in the middle of a Stage 5 sneezing fit, and she wanted to scream as she watched the ball bounce off of her foot and shoot off in another direction. Alex threw her hands up in celebration as Tobin whipped her head around to Lauren, who gave a thumbs down and a shake of her head as her official ruling. Tobin yelled an unintelligible noise into the universe before stalking off of the pitch.

"What's with her?" Alex asked Lauren, her face scrunched into a look of concern.

Lauren shrugged. "Sore loser? Bad allergies? Giant baby? Pick one."

\----

Kelley wasn't faring any better in her attempts. 

She was Beer Pong champion two years running at Stanford, but in Gatorade Pong she couldn't manage to hit a cup. And in one round of Temple Run, Alex had managed to completely annihilate the high score that Kelley had spent months building.

At dinner, Kelley had barely touched her plate, opting instead to glare at Alex, who sat laughing with Sydney and Pinoe at another table.

Tobin noticed, and threw a fry at Kelley's face. "Dude, we're trying to make her lose, not set her on fire."

"This is ridiculous. Is it just that she's really that good, or are we really that bad at everything we attempt?" Kelley asked, her gaze never wavering from Alex's table.

"I still think she was abducted by aliens," Tobin offered, shoving another fry into her mouth.

Kelley watched in disgust as Pinoe tossed a grape into the air and Alex effortlessly caught it in her mouth. She watched grape, after grape, after grape, until she'd finally had enough.

Shoving her seat back from the table, Kelley stood. "MORGAN! ROCK PAPER SCISSORS! RIGHT NOW!"

Alex looked up at Kelley, and then around at her other teammates, who all shared the same look of confusion (except for Tobin and Lauren, who had hidden their faces in an attempt to distance themselves from this entire ordeal.) Alex shrugged, however, and held up her hands to wait for the count.

"On three," Kelley started, squaring her shoulders and locking eyes with Alex. 

"One. Two. Three." 

The girls shot out their hands, Kelley: Paper; Alex:… Scissors.

"JESUS CHRI---" Kelley stopped her outburst, noticing that the entire team, coaches, trainers, and hotel staff were staring at her. She slowly sat down, draped her napkin across her lap, clasped her hands, and bowed her head.

"Jesus Christ, we want to thank you for this beautiful meal you've bestowed upon us today…."

\---

The Thumb War was lost by a once-in-a-lifetime thumb cramp.

The Crossword Puzzle Race was lost by the name of the 4th season winner of America's Next Top Model.

The Foot Race was lost because, holy shit, Alex is, like, freakishly fast.

\---

Before they knew it, it was the night before their game against Mexico, and their last chance in the quest to destroy Alex Morgan's Winning Streak.

After Tobin's attempt to hold her breath longer than Alex had resulted in a stern lecture from Dawn (and, still, an Alex victory) Kelley had one last shot at taking the crown.

It had been a game of pool for the ages, both Kelley and Alex making shots that defied the laws of physics.

Tobin stood to the side with Lauren, watching the scene unfold as Kelley banked in two of her balls with one shot.

"This can't happen."

"Tobin, eventually one of you is going to beat her. And would being Kelley's slave really be that hard? You buy her a box of cookies and turn on a CSI marathon and you don't hear from her again for the rest of camp."

"That's not the point, Cheney. I know Alex better than pretty much anyone here, and there has to be a way to beat her. Why can't I figure it out?" Tobin crossed her arms over her chest, leaning back against the wall and staring at Alex.

"I don't know. Maybe instead of trying to make yourself win, you should focus on making her lose?" 

Tobin thought about this for a moment, watching as Alex sank another ball and called her 8-ball pocket for the win, before she got an idea.

Kelley had given up entirely, crouching down and placing her head on the edge of the table, too afraid to look. Movement from behind Alex caught her attention, however, and she watched in horror as Tobin bounded across the room and hoisted herself up to sit on the table between Alex and her shot. "No fucking way," she whispered, knowing exactly what was about to happen.

"Tobs?" Alex asked, sitting up slightly from where she'd been lining up her shot. "You're kind of in my way."

Tobin shrugged, grabbing Alex's face and effectively kissing the hell out of her.

"NO!" Kelley yelled, as Alex's stick dropped to the table, hitting the 8-ball and knocking it into the wrong pocket.

Hearing Kelley's cry of panic, Tobin knew her plan had worked. She pulled back, smiling at the dumbfounded look on Alex's face. Giving the nearly comatose girl another quick kiss on the forehead, a "Good game, Baby Horse" and a tap on the nose, Tobin jumped off the table, winked at a horrified Kelley, and made her way back over to Lauren, who had doubled over in laughter. 

"Not quite what I meant, Tobin," Lauren said between giggles.

"True, but it worked," Tobin responded, nodding her head towards Alex, who still hadn't moved. "Alex Morgan has officially lost."

"Or you've killed her and her body is taking an abnormally long time to crumble."

"Details."

Kelley dropped her stick, rushing over to Lauren and Tobin with a look of righteous indignation. 

"No! That's bullshit! If I would've kissed Alex I would've gotten punched in the face. I demand a rematch."

Tobin grinned. "No way, man. The rules were I couldn't sabotage you, not that I couldn't sabotage her." 

Kelley's jaw dropped. She'd been out-assholed by Tobin Freaking Heath.

"I should probably go make sure Alex is still breathing," Tobin said, offering Lauren a thumbs up and Kelley a pat on the head before walking backwards towards the pool table. "Winner winner, chicken dinner, baby!"

"NOBODY SAYS THAT ANYMORE, TOBIN!"


End file.
